Thursday, January 12, 2017


This year will be my first fasting month away from my family. It happened before for for short period of time. But now is for real. I know some of my friends have been there earlier than I am. Now I know the lonesome that can't be explain, but it sure feels empty. The first day was the hardest I guess, when it used to be merrier than what I have now.But this is the life I've been given, to nurture me to be a better being, preparing for the even worst future. I don't complain, while at the same time it teaches me that family is the greatest possession I could ever want. I'm glad to have been in this situation realising that I've been given this priceless chance to be with them longer than some of my friends. Yes, I have friends with me, breakfasting together, staying late at department til midnight, but it's not sufficient enough. There is always this missing part, everytime I remember I spaceout for seconds. But soon I'll be off back home for good. This time is sure since my contract is finally over. No more extension whatsoever.

Rejection is always hard, regardless the excuses given to me. First, second and then third time still no positive answer, but yet appeared promising and gave me hope. The overwhelming frustration and disappointment effect the surrounding. I've given my best but the reality turned otherwise and not what I was hoping for. I guess giving my best was insufficient. However, The thing that matter is the process. I know I made mistakes along the way, but I've learned from them. I'm not giving up just yet and I will try again until the time averts me from doing so. I will get my paper published somehow. 

Lately, especially after I return to my home country few weeks ago, there is this different feeling regarding the sense of where I belong. A certain thing I'm sure of is that the way I see my own country as a home. Last time, when my family and I were living together, going back to my home country felt like just going for holiday, with the obligation of coming back abroad and thinking that my place is here. But since a year ago, my perspective has changed to the opposite. The way I see the condition of where I'm now is an optional of my preference, with an obligation of returning to home country.

Just had a thought recently about the world I live in. First I don't like to judge people, coz I don't stand on their shoes so they may have their own reasons for whatever things the're doing. But, the thing is that I just don't get those people who do thing because they're just simply following the trend. I mean if it brings good or positive results then its okay otherwise it will just be the full of whys?? Don't they think that everything they do reflects their own personality. So, if you live simply just following others means that you dont;t really have your own personality. In other words, you are living on others expectation without realising that you have your own uniquness which differs from other. Recently (about a month ago), there have been this pokemon fever throughout the entire world. People from around the world are hyped about this game. First I tried the game for like 2 days, it feels just like any other game. But only differ in the possibilities of finding different pokemon. Besides, we are required to walk or travel for certain distances in order get different type of pokemon. Then after two days, I gave up coz its just too boring. Yes, I dont have the spirit to catch them all, because I simply have other things to do and moreover the only challenge is that you just need to travel farther or in different places in order to get variety of pokemon. I'm not that crazy about getting this imaginary pet where the only purpose is too train and make them fight. In the end, it will be deleted.

Also had a thought about the muslims being accused for terrorism. I've heard a statement that "all muslims are not terrorist, but all terrorists are muslim". I just don't get the idea people believe that that muslims are terrorist, so in the end in certain countries they made a ridiculuous rules. Like muslim women cant wear covered swimming suit, or hijab are not allowed for muslim women, or muslim are not allowed to practice the religion (this I heard long time ago). That statement I mention earlier is like a poison. If we trully understand the meaning of terrorism, which I dont, this kind of accusation wont only be put on muslim. How many countries are having cold war? or dispute within their own country parliament or government? lots of them. But the media only bring up islam, because it's islam. It's like they really want everybody to hate islam. What did islam do?

First islam is only a religion, the name itself comes from the arabic word which can be translated as "peace". it teaches the best way to live our life. Then what happen about that suicide bombing and all the shooting? do you actually believe that islam did that? Okay as all as I know from the moment I was born, there has not been any teaching which allow to kill myself or shooting the innocent. Yes, not all muslims are good, but the bad ones are still wont be a suicide bomber or shooting the innocent. Those who are doing that are misguided or don't actually practice islam. It's like when we are taught in highschool to throw garbage in the thrash can, respect the elders, smoking is bad for health. But there are still some people ignore that, regardless their religion, parents, or schools (favorite or not/public or private). But that does not mean they represent their school, parents, and religion or taught wrongfully. It is themselves that are bad. So stop generalising muslim as so-called muslim terrorists. I'm a muslim but will never terrorise anyone.

I believe those of you who said all muslims are terrorist must have failed math in their school. why? let see, there are about 2 billion muslims in this world. okay let me simplify, let say there are only 1 billion muslims in this world, and about 300,000 so-called muslim terrorists in this world, and I simplify again 1 million terrorists (am I not kind enough?)

all muslim ; 1 billion= 1,000,000,000
so-called muslim terrorist; 1 million= 1,000,000
So "normal" muslim ; all muslim - so-called muslim terrorist = 1,000,000,000 - 1,000,000                                                                                                                      =           999,000,000

Percentage of "normal" muslim = ("normal" muslim/all muslim) x 100
                                                    = (999,000,000/1,000,000,000) x 100
                                                    = 99.9%

Percentage of so-called muslim terrorist = (socalled muslim terrorist/all muslim) x 100                                                                                          = (1,000,000/1,000,000,000) x 100
                                                                 = 0.1%

As far as I remember from my kindergarten math teacher, majority is represented by the highest percentage. So saying that, IF majority of muslims are terrorist, which do bombing and all those shooting, means that earth would/should/could have turned into craters like the moon, but it didn't. Talking about bombing and shooting. Which country did those or still doing it nowadays? I guess I don't have to mention. Coz in the end islam will still be put to blame.

 From my point of view to stop this terrorism is simple. But it appears complicated because of there are these "political agenda" causing "visible and invisible" conflict/war. I don't really read news because the media made it this way. Then, how will I know that the ones I read is true, knowing that I don't read news much?? Common sense. Why would a country be conquered by another? What makes a country intervening other's political issues? It's a public secret that there is this nation wanting to capitalize or conquer natural resources for its own economic power. So I surmise, if this nation leaves all these conquered countries, there would be no terrorism. Because why would we disturb others if other don't disturb us? unless, we are bullies. 

Besides the number of people killed on this "islamic terorrism" is considered small compared to the people who have been killed in the middle east countries. I'm too idiot to understand the logic behind muslims are called terrorist while they are actually the one being bombed and shot. I know that there are only small percentage of parties saying that muslims are terorrist while majority of the world population don't think that way, but apparently, the media makes that there are quite numbers of people believe in that.

I wonder what's the function of this UN thing. I thought they are supposed to fix this problem or at least find the solution (its very clear). The world hunger and middle east problems seem to have not found a way out while there are countries able and wealthy enough to suppress these problem, it happens more than decades already, but yet they prefer to make weapons anyway.

Human made mistake so did I. After my contract was over, my living style has changed a little bit, coz things didn't go according to plan. I have been very conservative regarding the money I spend. Because I have unfinished business, especially my paper which is currently being reviewed and my thesis is being evaluated. So now I'm solely relying on my savings, which I need to safe to keep me alive until the end of this year and I have to make sure that everything is done before that. In order to do so, I reduce my junk food consumption and eating outside, but buying raw stuff instead. The result is actually unexpected. I'm able to save 50% from my previous expenditure. But, ofcourse it didn't come easy  to control/suppress my animal appetite for the first 2 weeks, but it gets easier through time. Besides, the good thing is that I can customize(not sure about the word) my meals.

So one day, I bought bunch of bananas, I think there were like 12 of them and already riped when I got them. So I ate like 1 or 2 bananas in a day coz afraid that they might spoil quickly and my housemate did the same. After like 3-4 days there were 3 left, and my housemate and I just came back from uni and were starving. I remembered that we still had 3 bananas left and I ran to the kitchen to grab one immediately. I offered my housemate and he said just leave one for him, so I did. After that I took shower and laid down on my bed, with half fulled stomach enjoying the last moment of dusk. Then my housemate called me and little conversation happened.

Him: Galih, how's the banana you eat just now? still okay?
me  : Yup, nothing wrong with the taste I guess.
Him: No, I mean is the banana still okay?
me  : What do you mean?*curious
Him: Come here for abit hurry!!
me  : What is it?
Him: There look, maggots!!
me  : Holy sh*t!!,
Him: Didn't you check?
me  : Nope, I'm dead.

I might turn into maggot man any moment now.

I almost forget that I have this unsettled post and this could be my first visit to this beautiful and wonderful piece of blog after like 3-5 months away writing the best shit I could do into my thesis. Hope the panel can handle this very true sedimentologist's mind, who knows nothing yet acts humbly.
About my thesis, I don't even remember what I wrote in all those pages, every information from countless source of journals. I still remember when my supervisor asked about several stuff I wrote in the thesis. I was like "what am I writing here? How the hell is it appear there? What in the world is this?" It just that sometimes (all the time) things get really mix-up somewhere. I had like 8 drafts before finally able to print and submit my thesis. There is this funny thing about my final draft. The other drafts I named them normal (draft 1, draft 2. etc), but my final one I named it "Thesis Galih Ultimate final draft". In my head I was like "if it doesn't get through, I don't know what to do anymore". Fortunately, it did. Now I can see the University gates are opening wider for my departure although I see them almost everyday.

It almost a month now being back home eating mom's cooking everyday. After I submitted my ultimate thesis I decided to take a month holiday just to ease my mind from hectic in this cruel and brutal world. But as usual, things didn't go according to plan. On the day of my flight my supervisor sent me a text message asking when will I submit my paper (for ISI thingy) draft. In my head I was like "really? is this how my holiday is going to be?" So I replied that I will submit as soon as possible, But I submitted to him exactly a month later, after received twice reminder from him. It was the first time since usually I submit everything early or ontime. So it was a disappointment I guess. How couldn't? my mood was holiday mood and the atmosphere is different when I'm home. Ofcourse my productivity will decrease 83.79%. Let say in normal productivity mood I can work from 4-10 hours of optimum performance. The duration also depends on the matter like idea and type of work. When it comes to reading, I suck. I hate reading, not because I don't like to read. It just that when I read local or international journals, a sentence be ambiguos or can have more than one meaning. Therefore I need to be alert and super careful. Besides my english is bad and I always forget new vocabularies learned during the reading. So maybe for the same word in the same paper, within the same day I may need to check like trice and normally will forget on the next day. I'm not complaining just share one of billion things I hate.hehehe

Happy new year mina san.

Friday, May 27, 2016


I've been doing great in the last 2 months (march-april), I mean my life has been little bit colourfull with activities I have never done before, like hills/mountains climbing, explore jungle/jungle tracking, swim and play in a lake (well, I did this when I was a kid), star-gazing. During my adolescent I skipped all these activities due to the fact that most of them require some amount of money, and me in the past was saving money as much as possible just in case my parents are away, so I dont really need to depend on them, and it did happen. But now since I have a little bit saving from my salary I guess I could use it to atleast "rewarding" myself after I did some progress on my work. I mean I have this method of rewarding myself with something which could release me from tension or refreshing my mind, like play long games, movie marathon, eat special food, anything that is simple but effective (for me). But I did this rewarding thingy everytime I've completed some big progress, just to motivate myself and keep my work going. However there were also times when nothing is done, and that's the time when I got demotivated. So in this situation I just sit in my desk, look at the ceiling, sleep and let the time find the solution. In other word I will just fool around.

I just did my candidature defense for my master program. Knowing that one of the panel would be one of the lecturer I scared the most, I felt anxious that he might ask some weird questions. I prepared my slide within a week coz there was a mistake I made on my interpretation. Since the more you study the more you understand, so I just got an idea regarding my stuff little bit later, and thank god I managed to do it. This is also the moment when I know my body better than before. So basically, I'm the typical person who likes to prepare every single thing in the most convenient way. I like to plan everything long before I do something. Also I hate last minute work or study, since I don't like to stress my self, but it doesn't mean I hate critical thinking, because I need and want to be fair with everything. Like planing my thesis or presentation. I thought everything was clear months before I did my presentation slide. But somewhat unfortunately/fortunately, a week before my presentation, Monday at 8.45 a.m. I read a paper which has blasted my mind and in the end I came up with a new idea. At first I wanted to ignore it coz it'll be troublesome to change here and there (slide and thesis), but in the end I did it anyway. From 8.46-9.00 am, was one of the time when I used my full brain power, I planned everything in the most efficient way. Started by looking my slides, see the flow and it didn't fit/suit/correspond/match/ with the new idea, making me worry and stress at the same time, knowing that I might have to change my entire slides. Then I realised something. So, when I stressed out I tend to have ulcer, lots of ulcers and my hands and feet start to excrete excessive sweat (not sure about the term), head starts to itch and light fever.

So at first I had 25 slides within my presentation and after that "innovation" I've come up with 40 slides and I knew that I need to change almost everything when the first slide that need to be changed was the introduction. Therefore the only one stayed from the previous slide was the cover/front page. I had 5 days, starting from monday, my presentation was on friday the same week, I planned to show my slides to my supervisor on tuesday expecting he comes up with the feed back on wednesday, do the correction asap and I could do the dry run on thursday, so I'll be ready on friday. Those two days were exhausting, I came to department at 7.20 am and arrived home like 11.30 pm. This was because only 5 slides including 1 page of cover, reference and other 3 I can't remember had words, the rest was fully diagrams, pictures, photographs, tables (not even words), and models. I recreated and rearranged everything so that it goes with the flow. After I've finished I submitted to my supervisor right away and he is a very meticulous person. All correction he did to my thesis was somehow demotivating, but constructive at the same time. So I was expecting every slide has at least one correction and, worst comes to worst I need a major correction if he's not agree with my idea. I waited anxiously on wednesday from morning til the afternoon but no reply from him, so I decided to go back home early (10 pm) since the working hour was over and no sign of him replying my email.

The next day (thursday) around 10 am, I received an email from him with the same title I sent two days ago. In my head I was like "be nice to me, don't give too much correction, at least accept my idea and model". Then with full power I left-clicked my mouse and found no attachment. I was worried sick thinking that he forgot to see my slides. But then I read the message he sent me, it says "It looks good, however I would combine the intro slide with the locality map on the next slide" and then I just did the fastest correction I've ever done in my whole life, 10 secs with the cut-paste-edit-combine-save. In the afternoon I did a dry run infornt of my friends and the feed back has truly helped me improve the presentation. From a 35 minutes of talking non-stop to 20 minutes, although the dry run took almost one hour coz I asked them to stop me everytime I did something unnecessary or they didn't understand what I was saying, in other words if my delivery was bad. I wouldn't say that 15 minutes reduction was bad though, because in the end its all about the content and I was able to deliver everything within that period of time.

Then the day came, there were 4 presenters and my turn was the third and it was held in the lecture hall. When my time arrived, I just walked forward confidently, with my over-sized formal suit. Why oversized?? Coz I forgot to buy and that was the only formal attire I could find, and it was my father's, somehow inside my luggage (I was lucky to have one). So then I stood infront of the computer, opened my slides, looked at the audience, smiled like a retard and waited for my supervisor to give a signal, he looked at me, nodded and my time to shine was finally arrived. After it was over and talked for like 18 minutes I guess, saying thank you and bla bla bla, I just realised that I was about to be raped with questions from panels and one of them was the person I mentioned earlier. Funny thing happened (well, for me) during that Q and A session. So I was given 5 or 6 questions if I'm not mistaken, one of the question I couldn't answer. Firstly, because I didn't know whether it was a question or just a statement, Secondly, she spoke softly and I couldn't hear properly, even asked her to repeat that thing twice. That time I knew I was doomed, so I sought for a help from my supervisor, because supervisor could help his/her student to answer but not giving the answer. so I looked at him hoping that he got my signs of asking for help and maybe could lend me a hand, but the reality turned otherwise. He did look at me, but looked down immediately after seeing my face. Then I was like "wth??,really? why u no help me?Imma your student.why u look down.nooooooo!!!!!" So then in the despair I said to her "I'm not sure if I understand your question correctly, but I'll try to answer, bla bla bla" The other panel whom I mentioned earlier, I debated with him a little regarding my interpretation, I was worried because he's an expert and American. I always have this thought that western people are expert. But I was totally surprised when he said "it's the first time I hear you talking and it was nicely presented" I was flattered and thought that this person is not so bad at all.

I wouldn't have thought that I might come back to the field this year. I thought that I would have a normal year like any other normal students (other than geology). But you don't know what comes a head and what other people might have planned. It was in the middle of February when I just returned from a 2 days trip with my friend, accompanying him to his study area. I don't consider it as fieldwork since its only in short period of time and besides it didn't feel like field work at all. So right after that when I reached home I chatted with my friend whose having nearby study area with mine, and after long conversation talking about the contract thingy she said"Btw, are you planning to go to your study area? because I'm thinking on coming back this April for maybe a week". Suddenly tears burst inside my heart. from that moment I realised that all of my not-getting-dark plan was going to an end.

However, the feeling changed right after I landed at the airport. Somehow the atmosphere has drastically changed right after I arrived , like I had this feeling something interesting/unusual is about to happen and I was looking forward to it. Bytheway, this time, I went trio with another local friend, I mean this person lives not-so-nearby our study area, since she's going to help us and vice versa, so spent a week for each of our study area. The first week was a normal sedimentoloical field work and since I was there to help my friend, I did nothing much, except that I practiced with my photography skill using my phone since one of us (obviously not me) is a pro in this photography thingy so I learnt as much as I could from her. Then another week I spent in my friend study area and since her field of study area is different from me, I couldn't really expect much what would we do. Yes, I did ask her regarding the methodology or do we do any field interpretation or just simply collect data and sample. After the first 2 days of her fieldwork, my body started to disfunction. Somehow everytime I took a break/sit for more than 10 minutes, my body lost its power. It feels like the aftermath of carrying a super heavy object. So basically her type of fieldwork is more to the walk-alot kind of fieldwork, where you need to keep on moving under or covered from the sunlight. While my type of fieldwork is just a stand-still kind of fieldwork where only small amount of movement is required. However I need to be under the hot sun, coz most of the outcrops are found that way.

The feeling of "something will happen", the one I had before the fieldwork was real. Lots of thing did happen during this fieldwork and all were unexpected and last minute planned.

The first day my friend and I were picked up by this local friend and she offered to stay at her house before we moved to our study area, making it easy for her to take us. I was at first worried because I guess this was the first time I overnight in my friend house, her parent's house and for more specific girl's house. It felt more awkward for me because I was the only guy in the group. First time I arrived she told me her parents are away. So in my head I was like "Eh??So only three of us will be staying tonight?no it can't be". I don't know for some people but for me staying with girls under the same roof is odd, not sure I'm the odd ones or what, I'm just not used to that. Along the way to her house my brain thought about millions of possibilities that could happen from me being uncontrollable to the other way around. I was afraid that my dark side would emerge. Then when we reached her house she opened the gate (coz there were dogs), and then I saw a guy walked out the front door and brought the dogs away to the backyard so we could enter the house. Then I asked my friend about the guy, and it's her brother. I was like"okay, that's a relieve. at least someone can stop me just in case I lose control. Now I can rest in peace". I didn't sleep well that night.

The next day we went around 250 km southwest to my friend's study area and along the way we tried to get to the field work mode. It may take few days just to get your mental ready for being scorched under the hot sun. my friend drove this 4x4 hilux and after traveled 3/4 of the journey one of the tires exploded, luckily my friend successfully controlled the car calmly to the roadside eventhough her face said otherwise. 2 hours we took to change the tire coz we got stuck removing the busted tire, We tried kicking and pulling, but didn't work. Plus the tire has this iron threads which is new for me, since this was the first time I changed this 4x4 tire. In the end, one of us (me) went under the car and kicked it from the inner side of the tire and with a single kick it got off, plus there was this lock blocking the spare tire and the key hole was filled with mud, so it took quiet amount of time just to make sure the key went to the hole. So basically we wasted like 1 hour with all these kicking and pulling and maybe 5-10mins to get the key hole cleared, while the remaining was the time of despair. It was 2 hours of worth new experience of life. I don't know but I prefer this kind of experience, something unexpected that can happen anytime, rather than visiting new places, eat new foods, try new activities, although I don't deny any of them. Because it gives me this unexplainable sensation and have more chance to be remembered.

A minute after the Journey begun (happy faces. too young, too dumb to realise about whats gonna happen)

2 hours later*in the despair, 5 seconds before thinking of committing suicide

Me doing the key-hole-lock cleaning) (they want to see this online)

Key-hole filled with mud

after 2 hours of faith *look at the feet, that's because of the tire-kicking action

The next few days found new outcrops which made me so excited and could be a prospect for my Phd program if I want to pursue further. One best thing about this fieldwork was there is this restaurant selling indonesian food inside the town I lived in. Although this restaurant is simple and not extravagant, but the food was excellent. It has been I don't know how long since the last time I went to indonesian restaurant which could satisfy my tongue. Besides the price is considerably cheaper. Another "best" memory happened when I was helping my friend looking for this paleocurrent (flow direction) underneath the rock. So there was this exposure where the cliff was >70 degrees and I from below I saw this huge scour marks which could be a good indicator of flow direction. But the problem was that it is 7 meters high up and since I needed to get this reading ,so I climbed up that cliff. Getting up was easy but stabilizing your-self to get the reading was pretty hard, since it is sedimentary rock and would easily break if I put too much pressure on where my feet were steeping, so I had to adjust my position accordingly. Above this cliff is a flat surface and since I was like a meter away from it and wanted to get more data, why not I get up there, coz I was hoping that I could get better view. So I raised both hands tried to reach the top, grabbed it and suddenly the rock where I step on collapsed and so I solely relied and hanged on my both hands.

Sedimentologists intense outcrop discussion

Me in action *stuck

It felt like a life and death situation. I was scared to death. I tried to move my feet sideways, hoping that I could get something to step on but nothing. Below me was like 5-6 meters high, ofcourse I wouldn't die if I fall, unless head first. Besides there was no flash back so the worst might be broken bones. My manly tear was about to break and I was just about to let go my hands and a picture flashed in my head. I somehow got this 3 seconds super-strength and finally managed to pull my self up to the top. I laid down for like a minute just to get my head clear form that thrilling moment. I stood up look around and luckily found what I have been looking for, but I need to get down to the cliff again coz it was 3 meters away from the previous one. The shity part about climbing is going back down. It took me like 2 minutes to get into the position to where that thing was. I adjusted where I step on, just to make sure that it's stable. So to get this reading we need this specific geological compass (I don't know if there's specific name for it). I took it from my pocket, positioned underneath the rock (coz it was flute cast underneath the rock), but blocked by this debris. So I cleaned up this debris and guess what I found. yes, it was a blackish scorpion. It was medium sized (5-7 cm) but still made me panic like hell. I was like"what the heck, no,no,no!!!". I was freaked out plus panic, but more to freaked out. I moved back and lost my balance immediately, I tried to reach anything within my grasp but too late.

In my messed up head I was like "is this it?is this how its gonna end?die as dedicated geologist?I haven't even completed my master. why no flash back?? I see, so its broken bones then"

Everything happened in a flash, I didn't even realise that I was already laid down and facing upright. I tried to move my legs and arms but didn't work. I thought I was done with the fieldwork, but then I waited for like 15 seconds, took a deep breath and with all my strength I finally able to stand up and then immediately walked towards my friend. I was like "what the hell just happened?how did I survive that?"

Next day we went back north and stopped by at he beach. It has been I dont know how long since the last time I went to the beach. It was pretty relaxing day before continuing the fieldwork next day. Then I found this beautiful rock while we were about to go back. It's recent sedimentary rock I guess embedded with broken part's sea-shells. Then from looking at the rock I realise something "its perfection comes from the imperfection"

This is a perfect of imperfection

Some snapped photographs

Little grasshoppers

Aligned furry-ball plant *I don't know the name of the plant, just found it interesting

Glowing stick-like dandelion *Not sure about the name

Lonely wanderer

Then time for my local friend's fieldwork where lots of stamina was needed coz there were lots of hiking and walking. It was really tiring week but fun. My friend and I were invited to the dinner with my local her family. The whole family member was there except for one elder sister working in KL. But it sure was very warm atmosphere which I haven't felt for quiet sometime, made me miss my family. One day before the fieldwork ends, we went to this waterfall, where 15 minutes hiking was required. The girls made and packed the food for this little picnic. It was a good ending before going back to the reality in the next day.

moments to remember


Walk away *it was the last time they saw me

A lot of things happened during this fieldwork, like laughing, fighting, sharing, discussing, falling, sliding, sitting, standing, pissing, pooping. Good memories and bonds were made among us, even fell in love with a stranger. However, I can't carry everything with me. I let whatever happened stay where it is, coz I'm not planning to bring it back anyway. The time spent was worth, as feeling grew stronger everyday. But In the end, I need to leave it behind and forget whatever happened, even the precious ones. Otherwise, I wont be able to move on and trap in this endless uncertainty, knowing that my heart and thought go separate ways. Time has brought us together for a reason, but I've decided to let this go. Because I know how it will end if I decide to follow my heart. Eventually, time sure will lead us to different paths, so I guess it's better to let things go this way, maybe it's all part of a plan (edsheeran). Goodbye my shoe and slipper, you'll be replaced soon.

So after approximately 4 years both shoe and slipper finally reached their retirement time and I threw them away for good, before coming back to KL.

These are the faithful shoe and slipper. 10 seconds before I threw them into the garbage bin* the shoe looks okay, but the rubber at the bottom part was torn.
There is this one weird thing which I just realise after I went back from this fieldwork. So basically, my existence for this fieldwork was to assist and help my friends. But in the end, I got the most sun burn.

Friday, April 1, 2016


I don't know what makes people get so hype about this new year thing. Most of them were mentioning all of their new plans, or goals for this 2016. I know that it's the beginning of the year, but new goals can be set like everytime. We don't really have to make a plan on the first day of new year. Unless you are running a company and to make everything organised. It's not that I get irritated by all these "new plans" they are talking about. It's just that most of the plans they made, have not really come true. Like you see someone saying them out loud infront of you, and by the end of the year nothing really came true and when you ask them they said" well I don't have the time for that", "I have something more important to do"

Recently, I just realised that the way I do and choose things has really changed for the last 5 months, exactly right after my parents went back. Last time, I didn't have to worry much about daily meals and house rent. I used my own money to get things I desire and daily stuff but still when I get home I was supported by my parents. So, in term of personal finance (minus the study fees), it was comfy for me. But everything has changed when the fire nation attack I have to live based/relied on my saving/salary. There are expected and unexpected things which I have to buy or get in order to sustain a good life style, well at least average life style. Like daily meals, water supply, paying electric/water bills, house rent, internet fees. These are all the "everyday" stuff and the rest are unexpected, which I don't really know what. Anyway, I just bought a fan for my room since the old ones is spinning like snail, making me wake up in my own sweat.

Week days routine

Then: depart from home at 7.30 am and arrive at home around 6 pm, interact with family until 11 pm and sleep around 11.30 pm
Now : depart from home at 7.00 am and arrive at home around 10 pm, sleep 10.30 pm (take shower and sleep).

Going shopping
Then: This shirt looks good and the price is considerably okay (RM 20-50). I guess it's worth to buy.
Now : (look at my 8 years old shirt) nahhh. this shirt can last for another 3 years.

Taking meals
Then: (look for quality and ingredients of the food) hmm. The price is not so bad, it looks tasty. I'm taking this.
Now : (look for the menu) hmm. May I have plain rice with scramble egg, please.

Weekend plan
Then: go outside, visit new places.
Now : Play games, clean up my room and sleep I guess.

The last 5 months have been pretty much repeating the same thing over and over again. Having fieldwork once in awhile have been very helpful and felt like I could temporarily release tons of burden. I guess this is what people said as "I have no life". Nevertheless, I'm still lucky/grateful to be here.

As the oldest man among my sibling, I somehow feel the kind of responsibility to take care the others. I didn't build it coz it somewhat came naturally knowing that my parents are hundreds miles away. Like my father always tells me "Gal, you are the oldest among them all, take care and look after them, be a good example, and may the force be with you" remove the last part. But that's pretty much what my dad always said everytime I was about to departed or when he's about to be away for while.

So this one day, in one beautiful afternoon. I was just finished my lunch and heading back to my office. I guess I had like another 30 more minutes before my lunch break was over so I went online for a while. 15 minutes of scrolling around the internet has truly made me exhausted then I decided to take a quick nap (Normally 10-90 minutes). I put aside my laptop, removed papers from my desk and ready to land my head on the hardest mattress in the world, my working desk. Suddenly I heard a ringtone, and thought that I know the sound. After few seconds of thinking I realised that it was coming from my pocket. My phone was ringing for like 10 seconds, I checked the phone number and it was unknown. I was like "who the hell is this? could it be her?nah impossible"

I picked up the phone and these were lines I heard "Hallo, this is Iko, Resti's friend. Your sister is in emergency room in *** hospital. Could you please come? Coz I need your help here, hurry!!!" This was the time when my brain stopped working due to the after lunch disease, plus tired of scrolling around the internet combined with sleepiness. I replied "Aaaa hah?? seriously?? ok I'll be right there in a flash". I hung up my phone, put all my stuff in my bag, left the building and headed to bus stop immediately.

Along the way to the bus stop, I thought about the fastest way to get there. The options were taking LRT-LRT star or LRT-Monorail. Both options were pretty much the same, the only different is the possibility of the train delayed time. In my head my brain works like a computer. Using some maths formulae I've learned from my primary school I was somehow able to measure all the estimated time taken to get to the destination using both ways. In the end, I need to take a bus which probably takes around 10 minutes with waiting time of at most 15 minutes coz I missed the previous bus. Then the first LRT will either take approximately 10 minutes if continue monorail, and 15 minutes if proceed with LRT star. Based on the Pythagoras theorem mixed with relativity formula, the monorail will take around 25 minutes and LRT star will take 7 minutes. However, I need to take a walk for around 1 km using LRT star, or around 400 meters using monorail. I can get 1 km in 15 minutes and 400 meters around 5 minutes, with deceleration of 0.02 mm/s2. Plus another 10-15 minutes because I don't know where the emergency room was.

After 2 seconds of intense thinking, I decided to take a cab from the bus stop, coz it was probably the fastest and most efficient way in this situation. On the way to the hospital, I was thinking of several possibilities regarding what happened to my sister. Because she has been sent to the emergency once in the past. If im not mistaken it happened because she had this typhoid and she was so ill. I don't know who told her, but My grandma traveled from Jakarta to Bogor (around 80 km I guess)and took her to the hospital, and she said that my sister was looking very pale. In my head I was like "What could it be this time? is it because she's eating less? working too hard? relationships? dengue? typhoid again?"

Then I got a call from her. She said "Gal, where are you now? btw don't tell mom" then no sound.

This was the moment when I went full panic. But since I was in cab so I couldn't do anything. I just prayed for the best hoping that nothing serious happened. I arrived at the hospital, go to the emergency room and then I saw a guy greet me"Resti's brother?" I just nodded. "please we need this amount of money, coz we need it for your sister medication and ward" I nodded twice and told him that I have no cash with me, so I went to the main building collected some money, got back to him and proceed with the payment. While waiting for our turn, I asked my sister's friend whether she fell ill or fainted. Then he replied "Her eyes are swollen, I guess she has food allergic or something" this is the moment of jaw dropping and stress relieving. I thought something serious (it was actually serious) happened. After the payment was settled, I went to see my sister and her face was totally changed. Her eyes were swollen like an aftermath fight. Then I laugh, she just smiled. After talking for quite sometime I asked her about why the phone was hung up during the call. Then she said there was no signal in the room. I grabbed my phone and she was right.

The doctor came and talked to my sister for a while, I guess asking about the possible cause of the allergic. Doctor said everything was looking fine, the swollen has becoming less and don't have to stay in the ward. Then everything went back as usual.

I am the kind of person who is really careless about food. Especially when it comes to the edibility of the food itself, not because good or bad, halal or haram, healthy or unhealthy. But more to whether the "food" is a food or not a food. So few weeks ago, I was having this starvation because I did not take breakfast, due to overslept. And in this new house rule we always eat together (my housemate and I). So we already set up when we will eat, thus whoever missing or sleeping during that time will be left behind. Ofcourse we remind each other before going. But my sleeping skill is different, when my mindset is holiday, nothing can bring me up.

So in the despair, I tried to distract my mind by cleaning my room, coz it was sunday. Somehow I made sunday as cleaning day, I don't know why, just feel like it. Then miracle happened. A pack of chocolate flakes laying inside a plastic jar. I guess my mom did this, packed all the left overs before moving to the new house. Along with it there were many others, but my eyes were only interested on this delicious chocolate flakes. I grabbed that thing and just pour everything into my mouth. I think I've finished almost half of it before finally get bored with the taste. So everytime I felt hungry I just eat that thing. But one day, I just realised that the taste was a bit different. I mean I've tried the same brand before but this one was something different. Then I remembered what my mother said "Always check the expiry date" and guess what, it was already expired in April 2015 and I opened that thing december 2015. I guess it is just the matter of time before my time comes.

Another one happened a week before the end of January 2016. So I bought this cookies and it has chocolate chips in it. I've prepared it just in case I oversleep again and I did. So right after I woke up, showered and everything, I opened my laptop and watched the downloaded movie with the cookie besides me. Since this is cookies, they tend to crumb when we eat so those crumbs were spread out on the floor. I ate the big crumbs but left the nano sized particles. So there is this time, when the chocolate chip fell to the floor. Those chocolate chips are the best thing about the cookies, nothing can stop me from eating that thing, even if it falls to the ground. So this chips fell, and I didn't really pay attention where it fell coz I was watching this movie. So I just glance to the location where it probably is. I saw this black circled thing and grabbed it with all my might and just put it in my mouth, coz I don't want to miss the movie's part. So I have this habits to chew the chips just to get the flavor out of it. After chewing for like 2.112 seconds, I realised something, it wasn't chocolate flavor. It wasn't like any other chips from the cookies, and I've never tasted anything like that.

Since my brain is very slow, the realisation came right before I swallow that sh*t. I just ran to the kitchen full speed, get to the sinky and rinsed my mouth with water, brushed my teeth and drink the left over apple juice from the fridge just to get rid of the taste. The sensation was thrilling, it gives me goosebumps everytime I think about it. I just can't imagine what would haave happened to me if my brain was just a little bit slower, coz that time it was normal . Now I still wonder what in the world could that be.

Few days ago I went back to Indonesia coz previously I thought that my contract was over and staying abroad would be pretty costly. I was about to say good bye and have gone to some memorable places to take pictures and all those stuff in the weekend, just want to see the change in the future. So I went back, booked for the cheapest one way flight. The next day, the day I was supposed to pay for the flight ticket, I went to the campus just to do daily routine, I was planning to do half day and proceed with the payment. I went for lunch with my colleagues within the campus area to save money. On the way back I met my ex supervisor (coz I was already unemployed).

my friend and I: "good afternoon Dr is"

Dr. Is: "Oh, hey, good afternoon, anyway, I've just submitted the progress report for our project. So your RA's extension notice will be out in a few weeks. However, it will be only for 6 months, since the project is gonna end on June"

my friends and I: "Alright Dr, Thank you very much"

I canceled my flight and booked for return flight right away.

People change physically as they get older (obviously). People I've spent time with, either for long or short period of time, will continue their life for better or worse. I met this person the other day who I know for quiet long time and after I don't know how long I didn't see and talk, I've met this person once again. At glance, I didn't remember who it was. But when I did a closer look, I could still recognize. I don't know whether my brain is getting worse or everyone has changed so fast, but I bet, if I've given 5 more years and then meet this person, I will not be able to tell, eventhough she stands and facing right infront of me. Few years ago my highschool friend called me when I went for holiday back to my home country. I was still using my old home phone number so everyone could still contact me. So one day I went to this mall to get something (I don't remember what), and when I got off an escalator 2 girls walked cross infront of me. I looked at two of them, did a quick observation (man's instinct) to one of them, so I looked at her and she looked at me, our eyes met then we kissed and looked away. I just looked at her because she was there and ofcourse when we get off the escalator, the first thing we do is look forward, and it was just happened to be her. So then I just continued walking coz I was still looking for the shop. Then after getting what I wanted I went home. That night a friend from my lower secondary school called. I didn't know who it was coz I've forgotten everyone's voice but I know it was my classmate since it was looking for me.

After chit-chatting for few minutes she asked me whether I went to this mall or not, wearing this t-shirt and all that. Then she said "why are you so arrogant? I was infront of you and you didn't say anything". I stood still, remembering the face of that girl I met infront of the escalator and still couldn't believe that it was her. I just laugh coz she changed alot, not sure because of make up or what. But the point is that these changes from physical or the way people dress, can seriously trick me. My expectation may not follow what the truth is appeared to be, so don't blame me.

I thought this post was posted a few months ago. I guess I forgot to click the button. pardon my language

Advice from a friend "Catching up with the others may sometime drift us away from our own dreams"

Friday, December 18, 2015


The perk of doing research is having to know something people might have not heard or studied. You are also get the chance to know the latest information regarding your topics or whatever field you are in. However and somehow, the more you study the more you know that you are absolutely know nothing and somewhat this makes me think that "am I going in the right direction?".

I don't know the level of confidence of other researchers when they first started their research. Do they really know what they are doing? or do they just simply and randomly do whatever their supervisors tell them to do? Yes, we did our desk study, read the previous works, but the level of understanding during that "early age" is I would say still immature to decide something. I mean I'm doing sedimentary geology and the first time I did my research I thought the end products would be only the depositional environment, how the sediments were formed, what are factors affecting them and so forth. But, by time, I feel like "is that it? is that why I do all of this?" Because otherwise you will be stuck infront of your computer, looking at your halfway progressed work and completely clueless about the next future progress since you are already know the story of everything and only need to write/type them down. And I'm at that stage now.

I guess there are levels that when people do research they might have experienced them. I mean this is just how I feel after few months of doing it. So here are the levels:

Level 1: this happened when the first time I started my research. At this level, I felt like clueless about everything. All I did was just read books and journals.
Level 2: this stage happened 6-12 months after the research started. I felt like I already know everything. I could do and perform everything, judge every journals that I read, and start correcting others people's work. Complaining why everyone did such an interpretation.
Level 3: This stage is when I know that I actually know nothing. When all my problems started to come, I tried to read as much as possible and I realised that my knowledge is very shallow, knowing that there are millions of terms which I haven't heard about. Then I started questioning myself. Would I be able to complete this? Am I really doing it?

Few days ago my friends and I talked about politics and complaining about what those people on the high seats are doing. I don't really know the stuff so just kept quite. Then one of myfriends said they are bunch of losers who are thirst of power and wealth. At first they are okay, but by time they misuse the rules for their own benefit. Looking at their background they are actually pretty much badass in term of education. Most of them have their PHD's and have worked in big companies. However, high education does not always produce highly educated people. Some people are just knowledgeable not educated. I guess their PHD's are just another level of PHD's (pizza hut deliveries).

Out of nowhere the talk turned into their experience of finding about people's attitude and behavior. They said people in the village are more civilized compared to those living in the city. Because "villagers" have more manner towards each other and they do everything accordingly. Then they mentioned billions examples what villagers do and those townsfolk don't. Which could be said that villagers are sometimes more educated compared to townsman.

So out of millions things that we mentioned these are few that I remember.

throw rubbish in the right place
queue patiently
park your vehicles in the provided area
flush the toilet after use
put the thing back from where it was taken
apply learned lesson in daily life
spend money accordingly
necessity over desire
family is more important than friends
be fair to people

I just got one of the most useful reminder about life (I guess). It's about being grateful for everything that has happened to me. Everything happened for reasons. I was once looking at all my friends whose having a very "dreamy" life around the world, means that their dreams of style or ways of living. I think I've written somewhere about it before, that I would consider myself the as luckiest man alive. Not because I have everything, but I have what I need so far. I've failed alot, almost everyday, do things my way and of course with guidance. I do believe that As long as I have done my best, nature will bring the best to me, could be something I hate or even unexpected regardless what the results might be.

When I look back to what I was and what I am today, I could not say any words than just being grateful. These are few "things" which made me the think that I'm the luckiest man.

I was once bullied and avoided in kindergarten by almost everyone in the class, especially with the strongest guy, because I attended late (kids stuff). Just like what my parents said, always smile to people. After a few weeks, that strongest guy became my good friend.

I took a test for lower secondary school recommended by my teacher in primary school and got the privilege to join the "superior" class. I rejected it at first but my father insisted and asked me to join. Then, I entered secondary school without having to think about taking the general test for public school application, which almost 90% of my classmates failed.

After I finished my secondary form 2, I moved to malaysia and applied for international school. I did every test well except english (I did badly) so I need to repeat form 2. But after a few consideration they passed me.

I did my O'level exam pretty bad for non science subjects, coz I was planning to go back home and the results would actually be useless for entering indonesian highschool, since they have different syllabus. Yet, I applied for indonesian school in KL, did some tests and they passed me.

Again I did pass my final exams miserably, go back to indonesia applying for university, but failed coz I was not qualified enough to compete with other students and not well prepared for every test. I came back to malaysia, applied for uni, and got the best uni in the country.

I finished my degree, this time with so-so result, not good, but not bad either. I was just decided to further my study and planning to look for scholarship cos I wanted to be independent. I went to uni and talked to my friends and immediately he mentioned that his supervisor was looking for one more RA for the project.

According to the written rules and regulations, I was not supposed to be accepted for this master program due to some subjects which I did badly (I hated those 2 subjects, coz everything was about memorizing), the requirement was I need to get at least B's, and I got below that and didn't retake the subjects. But somehow I'm now a postgraduate student.

Whoever (mistakenly) sent the RM10 credit to my phone, I would like to give you my deepest condolence for not being able to call whoever you wanted to call and hope you'll get whatever you wish for in exchange for that good thing you've done.

It's almost the end of the year and just within a few days I'll be officially an unemployment since my contract is over. So my home country, here I come!!!!

good bye!!!

Saturday, November 14, 2015


This post is supposed to talk about every major things that happened to my life since the beginning of my journey in my second home. But due to the lost of some photos and notes, I decided to write something not less important/usefull, exactly like what I always do. (ignore)

You'll never know that things from the past can be brought forward. Few weeks back I just did something I've left behind. Something which I thought I would have never done it again. I mean it's not because it's harmful, but I guess because I've reached my limit to do such a thing and should just move on to my real life. So one late night, right after I went back home, I got a message in FB from my junior. The last time he messaged me was asking about thesis and stuffs, so I was expecting something similar. So feeling a bit lazy (since I was so tired), I opened the message and what I saw was something I would never expect to come. He asked me to join his band and perform for this ID FEST thingy.

Everything felt so unclear with all this tiredness. So, without thinking so much I agreed. Then somehow, I remembered that my instruments are no longer with me except this acoustic guitar which has been with me for 9 years of playing. I mean this guitar has seen my struggle of practicing day and night. I guess my blood is there as well, since during the earlier days I've got lots of scratches on my finger tips and this thing happened to the beginners.

So if I asked my parents to send me the guitar it wont me reach on time, coz some of the moved stuffs haven't been unpacked, which include my stuffs. I still remember the last time I put them away was just right after my degree convocation day. Before leaving the house I played for like half an hour just to check the condition and put them back to the cases and have never been opened them ever since. I didn't even look at them when they were being wrapped during the moving out few months ago, except my one and only stratocaster.

I intended to bring it with me but my parents said that I wont need it anymore. Well, I guess they were right at some points since I've given up on jamming and anything to do with band or performing. But now I just agreed to this, and to be honest I was not sure, but then flash back of the good old days came to me and felt like the universe has given me this chance and I don't know why. So I was like "ok, there is nothing to lose, better give it a shot, I've done it before"

So I joined the conversation group in the next day, discussed the songs and that time we haven't found the singer. After discussing for I guess 2 days I remembered someone who could sing, I mean I have performed with her before and we won second place in a competition, I guess there's nothing wrong asking her to join the band and luckily she agreed. Immediately we planned the time for practice and the songs coz we only had like 2 weeks before the day and we didn't know what each of us were capable of, then we marked weekends and 3 weekdays for practice.

A very important thing I've forgotten about this was "everything does not always go according to the plan". Lots of things happened and we almost forfeited the band from performing. One of us almost quit the group for some reasons. It reminds me that similar things happened in the past and it was exactly the same. But, it went happy ending. The others were stressed out regarding this matter, and the only solution was to find a replacement, coz canceling the band was not an option. After few days of practicing on our own, we got a good news coz we found the replacement. Then shit happened. The person who quit the band was joining back. But, Thank god the replacement guy was so understanding. So he stepped back and he told us that if anything happen again we can always contact him. (he got my salute).

We're on to the real deal now and with only 6 days left before the day, still haven't found the right songs, unsynchronized tempo and tried to modified here and there. I guess those 6 days were one on the longest 6 days of my life so far. I had to go to the university at and do my stuff until like 5 pm. Then practice until like 10.30 pm. then reach home around 12-12.30 am. took shower and everything, reached bed 1-1.30 am. then repeat for the next 5 days until the day. Just like the old good times.

You'd never know and realise when "the day" has finally come and exactly the same feelings of anxious, nervous, scared, unconfident and all other billions of negative feelings. But at the same time I felt excited for some reasons. I mean I miss all these feelings, standing infront of people, entertain people, bringing good vibes to the atmosphere and those kind of things. So finally before going to the stage we grouped up, said the prayers, and did like all those football teams do before they start the game where everyone is gathering in a circle, and screaming their team out loud (I don't know the term for that). By the way the name of the band was "Finally symmetrical" Because it was originally formed by one of the band members, long time ago during his highschool. The original name was "Asymmetrical", but because it was his final performance and he was the only one staying for the band until this very last minute, since all the other members left to find their own paths in this cruel world and to create a good ending of the uncertainty of the band, the name "finally symmetrical" was given. The reasons may sound childish but that's how it is.

Our time to shine have finally arrived. The moment we've all been waiting for, where we put all our efforts to the fullest. The struggle, laughs, joys, angers and tears will be shown on the stage. feeling a bit hesitant I walked on to the stage behind my friends, get in position of my instrument and realised that there will be no turning back.

Up against this hesitation I grabbed the guitar, plugged in the cable, looked at my friends waiting for the signal to start the song. Once the signal by the piano was sounded I looked at the audience and this overwhelming feelings arose. Then I realized one thing

"No matter how hard I try to forget, something will bring me back to you again"

Then the song begun.

Thank god everything went great although I made mistakes here and there, but overall it was a success.

I just came back from my home country a few days ago, took a week break from all this misery of life. I did nothing much, since its solely purposed to visit my family and besides, my house is still under renovated, so I just watched the workers doing their jobs, watched TV and sleep. By the way during this break I was on "see food" diet, means that when I see food I eat. Somehow, my belly could store everything, like endless starvation.

During the first two days I ate uncontrollably coz I missed the foods so much, especially my mom's cookings. I ate whatever she cooked and bought. But due to my uncontrollable-animal-appetite of eating too much, I ended up having a severe stomach ache. So basically, I went back and forth to the toilet like 10 times in a day to do the "number 2", starting from the time I woke up till the evening before I was finally given a medicine. I guess my body could not adapt and catch up with my ego and appetite, since the feedback was so painful. However, we as human are born to struggle and survive, and no sacrifice no victory. In order to survive and satisfy my animal-appetite, I trained my self and ate like crazy in the next day in order to gain what I've lost. Luckily, I survived and did not suffer the same thing, so then the "see food" diet was on again.

There was something interesting happened during my break, which is still amazed me until this post is released. So the story started in a beautiful morning, no signs or anything suspicious, except I just had a very weird dream, I met my highschool junior asking to choose one of them for a particular event and I still don't remember the details. Okay that morning I went outside to get fresh air and gathered all souls since I was half alive. Infront of my house is small alley and there is someone's house on the other side. Everything seemed normal until I saw 2 girls, sitting, not the owner of that house, and one of them looks exactly like an old friend from highschool. I could not believe it at first and I thought it was just my imagination since I was still half alive and maybe my eyes haven't really working properly. I focused my eye sight right to the face, trying to analyse the details and 99% is positive. Then, I thought maybe it was just a coincidence, I mean I heard that there are at least 7 people whose face are similar to us.

Then I wondered what her name is, I mean, just want to make sure that only the face is similar. But, just right after I had a thought of that, the other person called her name and guess what? the person name is the same as the person in my highschool. I was like "Holy shoot, What the heck is this". Then I thought that if she shows one more similar thing, I'm gonna ask her personally, not to ask her out, just to make sure certain things. Thank goodness her voice sounds different, otherwise I would go and talk to her, and she might think that I am a weirdo or something.

I think have found out something very funny regarding the current hairstyle in my home country. Well, this is just my assumption so it might be wrong. So I was planning to have a haircut just right after I performed at the IDFEST thing, but I remembered that I'll be back home a weak after that day and because of the price is considerably cheaper, I decided to have a hair cut later when I go back. I'm a bit picky when it comes to the place for hair cut since I had a very bad experience which I have told last year. So back in my country before I moved to malaysia, I always go to this barber, located 5 minutes ride by bike. This time I went there with my father coz he wanted to have a hair cut as well. I went there and saw a few other customers and I guess that I have enough time to pick the style from the posters.

So basically, they have 6 posters attached to the wall with different hairsytle. So I looked at them, one poster after another, observing the details and found out something interesting. 5 out of 6 posters show the same kind of hairstyle where you have this little hair at the sides and bulky on the top. The different were only the hair intensity, the models and small patterns which are not actually significant. I used to call the hair style as "no-future-hairstyle". Coz I used to play this MMORPG game during my highschool and I don't know why I hate this kind of hairstyle. But now has become the hairstyle people want the most. The one last poster was not even better. yes it shows variety of styles in one single poster, but they were all 80's styles. I was like "How the hell do I choose this".Then I looked at the barbers and realised that they have the "no-future" hairstyle as well. So when my turn came I just told him "make it tidy" and now I ended up having "no-future" hairstyle as well but a little bit better, since the sides are still abit bulky.

Now here I am back to reality and the struggle is on again.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015


The time has finally arrived. I've moved out from the place where I was raised and nurtured. I'm on my own struggling and surviving in this very world. Looking for a place to build the confident and power to strive for my dreams. Yet, my prayers and doings have finally been answered and I'm few steps ahead of my plans. Few more steps and I'm ready to pursue to another level.

Recently, I've been obsessed with japanese, especially anime. It's all started during my last fieldwork in Sarawak. So one late night, I was chatting with my old friend, started talking about what has been going on and then reminiscing the past. Then somehow and I don't clearly remember how, the chat turned into this person love's story. I didn't say much during the chat, I just listened and said few words and just gave few advices although I'm a complete idiot in this field and I don't think my advice will work since I've failed before. Then this person said that I said the same thing like one of the anime this person watched before and this fellow thought I copied all the words from it. I don't even watch anime, except naruto and one piece, and a few others like digimon or dragon ball, and the last time I watch them was like two years ago, and I don't remember I've watched any romance anime, since most of them were mostly about fighting. Then this person told me the name of the anime and asked me to watch, plus wanted my opinion about it. Ofcourse I rejected it at first since I don't really watch romance anime, but it said to be different than any others. After few minutes of debating and did some critical thinking I said yes.

The next day after fieldwork I downloaded the anime coz I moved to the new location where the hotel had internet connection. So basically, this anime has 24 episodes and the "thing" I did the same was in episode 4. I was like " hhhmm. I see what you did there, that wasn't a bad advice" After few days I completed everything and gave my opinion and was suggested another anime. And that second one has truly moved the piece of rock inside my pure human's heart. It was just so heart-warming and peaceful. All problems were solved in unexpected ways and the best part it has happy ending. From then on I crave for more.

My obsession did not stop there, I tried to watch different "kind or genre" of anime. Ofcourse I asked my friends for suggestion and this is also the time when I know what kind of anime they watch as well. I've been recommended from the normal ones (the ones that are just depicting normal daily life) to the not-so-normal ones (zombies, adultery, vampires, actions). This has been affecting my living style as well. Like japanese sleep on the small mattress and I did that too. Not because I wanted to, but I had to, since my bed was already sent back to my country during the moving out few months ago. I've started learn to eat sushi and have been practicing for almost 3 months. At first I could not swallow without having a drink after. But after 3 months of practicing, and constantly ate sushi for at least once a weak, still the same, no change and no improvement at all. I guess I have no talent to be a japanese. Somehow I feel like this anime living style is so beautiful for human being. I mean the school, food, romance are just too perfect. I wonder if their living style and everything are the same as shown in anime or not.

I just had one of the most devastating and frustrating presentation in my whole life. It's not that my topic was not good, it's just that I think they don't seem to be interested in new findings. I mean I did this poster presentation and prepared for everything perfectly. I've practiced that at least I could finish everything in 10-15 minutes (standard time). I thought it was like any normal presentation where you are given reasonable time to present and answer questions. But the truth is I was only given roughly 2 minutes and then shake hand with the panels and that's it. what the hell was that?? More over, I was only told when I stood beside my poster and guess what?? I messed up everything since my brain can only work on a planned stuff, otherwise it will lag and sh*t might happen. I didn't even know what was coming out from my mouth. I just blurted out every single word that I've learned since the beginning of time. I believe I said "my name is jeff" or "I like turtle" at least once during the presentation.

I was listening to the songs from random playlist the other night, planing the next work for the upcoming month. Thinking about doing lab work or just proceed with the next writing since I haven't got the result of the age of my rock, which supposedly can be collected by a few weeks back. I have been thinking, maybe I just do the lab work, get the age by myself, otherwise I wont be able to conclude any events. After thinking for I don't know how long, I didn't realise that it was already late and several songs have been played. I decided to close the light and laid down. I was thinking about absolutely nothing and just randomly looking at the ceiling. Suddenly a song I haven't heard for ages was played.

The first 4 notes made me shiver and goosebumps, you know the feeling when you hear something beautiful and it reminds you about the sad or beautiful memories and this was when I felt that my heart just skip a beat since it brought so much memory from the past just like its title "From the beginning until now". I guess this song has the most beautiful intro so far. So out of the blue atmosphere in the dark night and the swing of the melody from this song, I wrote this short of confession which I don't usually do. I mean the atmosphere somehow made me to do it.

I know you wont see this
But let me spill the truth
A little bit of the indescribable
As an important piece of my life

You're the first thing I'm eager to see
You've given me the perfect love
You've shown me the complete affection
That's purely irreplaceable

I still remember the face you made
When tears were dripping down
Millions of thoughts and memories were shown in a single expression
Brought from the moment I met you

I still remember all the things you said
They were not actually bothering me
You've given me the best regardless what I said
Now have become things I want the most

Started with a second, then a minute, an hour, a single day, a week, a month and now a year will be apart

I just can't believe that it's happening
The moment I fear the most has arrived
And things wont be the same anymore
Knowing that I wont have the same chance

I'm dying to meet you
I'll do my best to see you just like I did before
With thousands of excuses
To create a moment just for you

I met you in a dream
Saw you in the distant
I wish it could last forever
Since I could only see you when I close my eyes

I wish I could turn back time for a second
To the moment when we were parting
To tell you the unspoken
That has been kept silent

The days have changed ever since
I could't hope my luck to come again
I've failed to express myself
Knowing that time will separate us

This very moment I spend missing you
All I could do is whisper all my wishes
And let the wind blow and tell you that
I want to see you again

That's about it, it may sound gay but that's what happen when something pushes you to the limit and all you can do is to spill everything out.

A friend of mine gave me a riddle, which led to a certain answer of my questions. I have an answer in mind. However, if the one I have in mind is correct, then I'll prefer to remain silent. So this is the riddle

My name does not reflect what I am
My shape does not reflect my form
My position does not reflect where I am
I'm reachable yet untouchable

This year will be my first year of spending ied alone, thousands of kilometers away from my family. Now I know how my friends felt. Nothing can match this emptyness (well, so far), knowing that you'll be celebrating without the loved ones. It makes me think that everything will be gone eventually, like chances or time for your precious ones. So I need to learn more about being fair and prioritizing my time in the future.

Sunday, May 31, 2015


This year is going to be more epic than the past years. Lots of fieldwork and travelling will happen, and it's gonna be another dark age. So far from the beginning of the year, I've been through exactly 30 days of fieldwork.

The first one happened in january about a week if I'm not mistaken, it wasn't intended for me but for the undergraduate students. So basically I was there to assist them doing sedimentology fieldwork. It was fun and good for sure. Reminiscing what I used to be during my degree. How ignorant I was and get to know the juniors was great. But, somehow knowing the fact that some people were scared of me was kinda suck. I mean, I just knew that some people during my time staying at dormitory, were scared of me, including the student's committee members. Now I know why they only sent the same person to see me.

The next fieldwork was for the master petroleum students. The good thing about going on the field with master students is they come from different background. Some did engineering as their degrees and some are working at one of the top companies. Their interpretations sure were varies and to be honest kinda extreme in someway.

The third fieldwork was for my RA thingy. Well this one is more to structural where I'm totally a complete idiot in this field. I mean my basic is okay, but beyond that is just too much to understand.

Well, It's just the matter of time before leaving my second home and go back to where I belong, since my family is already going back, one by one, and soon my time will come. The time spent was worthwhile. I have nothing to regret for spending almost 10 years being abroad from home and grateful for everything that has happened for all those years. Thanks for being such a great country and patient enough to nurture my ignorant to be a better being. But still there are stuffs I need to settle, something need to be told and after that I'll be off for good.

I just packed up everything and still remember what happened during that moment. Saw stuffs that I thought were long gone, found my lost treasure of memories, which have brought everything from the past to the present. There were also moments when I looked and hold some stuffs and all I could do was just smile and little bit of manly tears to think that "I had those moments".

Speaking about recent stuffs, I've been catching up with time to complete what I've planed for this year. Those 30 days of fieldwork have really made my plan went off the track. Besides I'm in another 2 weeks fieldwork in Sarawak now and this is gonna be my last fieldwork of my postgraduate program and after that, I'm coming home, since I expect to get everything in my hand after this field work and then all I have to do is just writing. I seriously didn't expect things to be this way, I thought I will have another one or two years. But sure things change and I guess my country wants me back earlier. LOL.

Looking at my post earlier, I realize that it is super unorganized. The first paragraph was created I think between january and March. Just look at the grammar and words from "will" to "I've been" within one paragraph. So basically I created those 3 or 4 lines in three months. What a progress. Don't blame me for this, cos it's due to the no free and leisure time. I mean my life has been full with stuffs, not like those people who can post daily pictures or status in social medias. Even what i'm writing right now is just automatically came out and I don't know what's the meaning of this.

I just remembered to tell why all my phones have ladies's names. Well, the reason is simple. Because they were all white in colour, if black or other than light colours I'd give gentleman's names. I don't know why I'm telling all these, but just write on.

A shitty thing just happened a few days ago, the first day of field work to be precised. I mean, I stayed in this small hotel (the one I heard weird stuff the other year) and everything was perfect except before falling a sleep I saw a huge cockroach strolling on the ceiling, wondering around and somehow I knew that shit is about to happened. As prevention I took and unwrapped my legendary weapon inherited from the god (slipper) and hunted it down, but too bad it escaped.

I stayed awake and waited until it came back and unfortunately it didn't. My eyes were already at their limits so i decided to switch off the light and sleep. I did not know how long it took before I finally high in my dream.

Suddenly I saw this woman laying down on the bed and she was about to give birth that time. I don't know who she was, but the doctor said to me to keep looking at her, so I just stood there since I could not control my body. So the position was I'm standing right infront of her, but I could not see her "thing" because it was somehow censored.

Suddenly something came out of her and splat onto my face. It was just a dream but felt so real. I immediately got my conscious back and grabbed my face just to check things out, and I can feel it clearly that something huge and legged was there. I just threw whatever was there and it did not stop there. I felt something moving on my feet and then I hit it with my all my heart content and sticky thing came out from it. Bytheway, the condition was dark that time, and I used only my sense to do all of those.

Then I switch on the light and saw a big cockroach on the floor was badly injured and tried to escape. But the thing it did not know was that it was crawling towards my legendary weapon. Without hesitation and with fully confident, I grabbed my weapon and hit that thing with full power. I thought it was already dead but I was wrong, it stood up and ran towards the space under the door. I opened the door and saw nothing, for a moment I thought it escaped, but it stayed still where the door was closed. Without wasting more time and letting this chance away, I hit it with full power and it flipped over, a sign of surrender probably. Then my human sense came and I realised that it is also a living thing, so I stopped there and just pushed it further away from my room.

But I remembered that there were two things on my body and so far I only saw and got one, it means that the other one is still in the room. I checked under my bed and nothing. But when I lift the mattress I saw it underneath. It looked into my eyes, probably saying something bad after seeing me brutally beating his friend/brother/father/grandfather/uncle/wife/child. After a few seconds it left and went behind the wardrobe probably running or planning for revenge. But nothing happened in the next night.

So I guess this is the only leisure time I have to spend here before the next post, which I don't know when. Btw, I just had a very bad experience and I've learned something important that don't ever sing freely during fieldwork, especially at rural areas, or otherwise you will hear the most beautiful sound you've ever heard in your life. So I visited this outcrop a few days back just to refine and double check my work there. After looking at the rocks for while I got bored and just started humming just to cheer and fire me up. My friend was in the car and so I was alone. After a while this humming became singing. I'm not sure how long I've been singing, but then I found something interesting at the rock and stopped my singing immediately. and just right after that, a sound of a woman blew my concentration away. The sound went for about 5 to 10 seconds and I was like "okay, I'm sorry, it wont happen again". Then after few minutes I heard my friend coming and I asked her about the sound. But she just silent and shook her head. I guess she knew what I meant. So I just did everything quickly and off to the next area. One more lesson is don't ever bring a brand new phone to the fieldwork or it will end up badly. Trust me.

motivational quotes "money brings you to desired places, while knowledge brings them to you"