Wednesday, September 23, 2015

SCRUPLE

The time has finally arrived. I've moved out from the place where I was raised and nurtured. I'm on my own struggling and surviving in this very world. Looking for a place to build the confident and power to strive for my dreams. Yet, my prayers and doings have finally been answered and I'm few steps ahead of my plans. Few more steps and I'm ready to pursue to another level.

Recently, I've been obsessed with japanese, especially anime. It's all started during my last fieldwork in Sarawak. So one late night, I was chatting with my old friend, started talking about what has been going on and then reminiscing the past. Then somehow and I don't clearly remember how, the chat turned into this person love's story. I didn't say much during the chat, I just listened and said few words and just gave few advices although I'm a complete idiot in this field and I don't think my advice will work since I've failed before. Then this person said that I said the same thing like one of the anime this person watched before and this fellow thought I copied all the words from it. I don't even watch anime, except naruto and one piece, and a few others like digimon or dragon ball, and the last time I watch them was like two years ago, and I don't remember I've watched any romance anime, since most of them were mostly about fighting. Then this person told me the name of the anime and asked me to watch, plus wanted my opinion about it. Ofcourse I rejected it at first since I don't really watch romance anime, but it said to be different than any others. After few minutes of debating and did some critical thinking I said yes.

The next day after fieldwork I downloaded the anime coz I moved to the new location where the hotel had internet connection. So basically, this anime has 24 episodes and the "thing" I did the same was in episode 4. I was like " hhhmm. I see what you did there, that wasn't a bad advice" After few days I completed everything and gave my opinion and was suggested another anime. And that second one has truly moved the piece of rock inside my pure human's heart. It was just so heart-warming and peaceful. All problems were solved in unexpected ways and the best part it has happy ending. From then on I crave for more.

My obsession did not stop there, I tried to watch different "kind or genre" of anime. Ofcourse I asked my friends for suggestion and this is also the time when I know what kind of anime they watch as well. I've been recommended from the normal ones (the ones that are just depicting normal daily life) to the not-so-normal ones (zombies, adultery, vampires, actions). This has been affecting my living style as well. Like japanese sleep on the small mattress and I did that too. Not because I wanted to, but I had to, since my bed was already sent back to my country during the moving out few months ago. I've started learn to eat sushi and have been practicing for almost 3 months. At first I could not swallow without having a drink after. But after 3 months of practicing, and constantly ate sushi for at least once a weak, still the same, no change and no improvement at all. I guess I have no talent to be a japanese. Somehow I feel like this anime living style is so beautiful for human being. I mean the school, food, romance are just too perfect. I wonder if their living style and everything are the same as shown in anime or not.

I just had one of the most devastating and frustrating presentation in my whole life. It's not that my topic was not good, it's just that I think they don't seem to be interested in new findings. I mean I did this poster presentation and prepared for everything perfectly. I've practiced that at least I could finish everything in 10-15 minutes (standard time). I thought it was like any normal presentation where you are given reasonable time to present and answer questions. But the truth is I was only given roughly 2 minutes and then shake hand with the panels and that's it. what the hell was that?? More over, I was only told when I stood beside my poster and guess what?? I messed up everything since my brain can only work on a planned stuff, otherwise it will lag and sh*t might happen. I didn't even know what was coming out from my mouth. I just blurted out every single word that I've learned since the beginning of time. I believe I said "my name is jeff" or "I like turtle" at least once during the presentation.

I was listening to the songs from random playlist the other night, planing the next work for the upcoming month. Thinking about doing lab work or just proceed with the next writing since I haven't got the result of the age of my rock, which supposedly can be collected by a few weeks back. I have been thinking, maybe I just do the lab work, get the age by myself, otherwise I wont be able to conclude any events. After thinking for I don't know how long, I didn't realise that it was already late and several songs have been played. I decided to close the light and laid down. I was thinking about absolutely nothing and just randomly looking at the ceiling. Suddenly a song I haven't heard for ages was played.

The first 4 notes made me shiver and goosebumps, you know the feeling when you hear something beautiful and it reminds you about the sad or beautiful memories and this was when I felt that my heart just skip a beat since it brought so much memory from the past just like its title "From the beginning until now". I guess this song has the most beautiful intro so far. So out of the blue atmosphere in the dark night and the swing of the melody from this song, I wrote this short of confession which I don't usually do. I mean the atmosphere somehow made me to do it.

I know you wont see this
But let me spill the truth
A little bit of the indescribable
As an important piece of my life

You're the first thing I'm eager to see
You've given me the perfect love
You've shown me the complete affection
That's purely irreplaceable

I still remember the face you made
When tears were dripping down
Millions of thoughts and memories were shown in a single expression
Brought from the moment I met you

I still remember all the things you said
They were not actually bothering me
You've given me the best regardless what I said
Now have become things I want the most

Started with a second, then a minute, an hour, a single day, a week, a month and now a year will be apart

I just can't believe that it's happening
The moment I fear the most has arrived
And things wont be the same anymore
Knowing that I wont have the same chance

I'm dying to meet you
I'll do my best to see you just like I did before
With thousands of excuses
To create a moment just for you

I met you in a dream
Saw you in the distant
I wish it could last forever
Since I could only see you when I close my eyes

I wish I could turn back time for a second
To the moment when we were parting
To tell you the unspoken
That has been kept silent

The days have changed ever since
I could't hope my luck to come again
I've failed to express myself
Knowing that time will separate us

This very moment I spend missing you
All I could do is whisper all my wishes
And let the wind blow and tell you that
I want to see you again

That's about it, it may sound gay but that's what happen when something pushes you to the limit and all you can do is to spill everything out.

A friend of mine gave me a riddle, which led to a certain answer of my questions. I have an answer in mind. However, if the one I have in mind is correct, then I'll prefer to remain silent. So this is the riddle

My name does not reflect what I am
My shape does not reflect my form
My position does not reflect where I am
I'm reachable yet untouchable


This year will be my first year of spending ied alone, thousands of kilometers away from my family. Now I know how my friends felt. Nothing can match this emptyness (well, so far), knowing that you'll be celebrating without the loved ones. It makes me think that everything will be gone eventually, like chances or time for your precious ones. So I need to learn more about being fair and prioritizing my time in the future.

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